A Marriageable Woman

I think I have mentioned before that I have been fighting a growing attraction to a Brother. This in and of itself is not particularly unusual. Since about the 9th grade I probably spend about 75% of my time with at least a mild attraction to someone, though it rarely goes beyond that. Consequently, when one was inapropriate or inconvenient it was usually fairly easy to make it go away. However, nothing about this current one has followed the normal path. First off, it actually did not start out as physical attraction. It was more that I was curious about him. Second off, when I discovered I actually was attracted to him, that didn't become the focus of my interest. Normally when I am attracted to a guy I fantasize about making out with him, or other largely physical activities. My first daydream involving this Brother was riding in a car with him listening to music. Since then they have revolved around wanting to share something interesting with him, or watch a movie with him, but largely platonic activities (or things you could do with any friend). Yet at the same time, it is more than a desire for friendship. I do want more than that, the flashes of jealousy are a good key to that. Luckily for my heart, the guy I have apparently decided to fixate on is mostly girl-clueless and has about an iceberg's chance in hell of asking me out. Through God all things are possible, but not all things are probable.
Sadly, around the time of the beginning of this crush I was also introduced to the concept of a marriageable woman. I have a horrible memory so I do not remember most of the ideas I learned about, but I do remember a few. Since then I have allowed the idea of courting him and marriage in general to become an idol in my life. Oddly enough it was actually the recent sharing of part of his testimony that even helped me realize that I had. I have been so focused lately on trying to create in myself the characteristics that a marriageable woman would have that I have lost sight of the big picture. My purpose in life is to bring glory to God in the ways He wants me to. He actually reminded me once that God loves us enough that when we meet the person God intends for us, He will not let us miss it. I have finally realized that by fixating on something God probably doesn't want for my life, I am probably missing a lot of the things He does. More importantly, I have been focused on Godly characteristics, but I have been trying to master them in my own way. I have been trying to become a better, more patient, communicator; but I have been doing it without turning to God. Luckily God knew I would do this in advance so before this whole issue even started God gave me a roomate whom I would have communication problems with. I have been focused so much on doing this on my own, that I have not turned to Him when I need to.
Currently one of my greatest wishes is for the crush to go away. I do not like butterfiles with no purpose. Feeling queasy at the thought of hanging out in the presence of a guy I will not even speak to is really pointless. God has been helping me stick to the "don't show favoritism" thing though. We are on different teams and very rarely have a chance to interact, hence showing favoritism involves saying anything more than "hi" which is something I have struggled with. I doubt I would normally have such a problem speaking to him, but I am so bad at figuring out my own motives that I would constantly second guess myself. I knew him for about a year before the feelings began and I made little or no attempt to get to know him, and now I pay for that (though that's true with all guys). I pray regularly for God to either take the feelings away or have him develop similar ones and act of them. Obviously that's not in God's plan or I would not be writing this. I think God has used him in a lot of ways in my life. The fact that he has the importance he does means I pay closer attention when he speaks. He shared some stuff recently that I have really been wrestling with (telling you what it was would give away his identity to a lot of you). The fact that he is so often on my heart made me spend a lot more time than I normally would have mulling over his sharing. I am finally beginning to work out the answers to my issue and I am thankful to him for this. The feelings don't seem to be going anywhere, so I guess God has a lot more planned for him in my life, though probably on an anonymous level. Normally my crushes last 1-3 weeks, this one is now at the 8 month mark. I think my longest previous one was probably 2 months for Jonathan Taylor Thomas in the 9th grade. I don't always agree with God's methods, but I know they are the most effective.
Please be praying that God will open up my stubborn heart to listen to what He has to share. Now I have to sleep, but I pray for all of you, even if I don't know who you are.