Saturday, April 21, 2007
Me-Centered
Hopefully this is do to upcoming exams and the stress associated with them. Lately I have found myself thinking very me-centered thoughts. I am a loner by nature, or possibly out of habit, I'm not really sure, but this basically leads me to make fairly shallow friendships, more out of convenience then anything else. Sadly I also have trust issues which makes for awesome friendships (that's sarcasm). The only person I will tell everything or anything to is my guinea pig, my stuffed skunk, and God...none of whom are people in the traditional sense. This might seem like odd timing, but this is VEISHEA. I'm supposed to be out there talking to the humongous amount of college students who are out on campus from here, and from all over Iowa and maybe the country. Instead I'm blogging. The two facts I mentioned earlier lead me to be very jumpy around crowds and large groups of people. If you see me around campus I am usually listening to my iPod because I can't handle the noise. One reason for this temporary retreat to my room is that I need to recharge. I am an introvert, I get my energy from being alone. Being with people zaps my energy, the more people the more zappage. Luckily the zappage doesn't occur until the rush of the activity is over, but then I plummet. There are a few people who don't cause this effect, but they number very few. If I had been hanging out with one of them, after the parade we probably would have gone out to talk to people. The funk I mentioned in my last blog still has me in its grips, so without someone I trust I can't force myself to talk to people alone. For a while I suffered from depression, maybe I still do. I find it hard to judge because it took me five years to admit I had it to begin with. Last year I decided I was cured...and thrilled to be so...not so much anymore. I hate and despise the fact that my mind turns against me. I have been suffering from depression for so long that I don't really know who I am...what my natural state is. I pray constantly that this isn't it. So much of the time I feel that there are so many different personalities inside me. I want them to combine and be consistent...but I don't know how to make it happen. As a quick aside...I don't think I'm a paranoid schizophrenic suffering from multiple personalities...at least I'm not diagnosed as such. There are three people with whom my "natural" attitude can come out...but only with one of them can it come out alone. The attitude I am most comfortable with is random, wacky, happy, care-free, and up for anything. If you see this side of me occasionally, great...that's the goal. I did wonder for a while if these were just emotional swings...but I can tell when I'm naturally sad and when I'm un-naturally sad. Basically, I can tell when I'm depressed and when I'm not...but I don't know how to change when I am depressed. I know a bunch of people suffer from depression, and I'm sure a decent amount think about it the same way I do. If you know how I'm feeling and have any words of wisdom, they would be very much appreciated. Stay happy blogger-land -LR
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3 comments:
Next time you're at church pick up that book I mentioned last time I talked to you ("Healing Life's Deepest Hurts"). Also, if you're comfortable with talking to me, I can share some of my own battles (winning for the most part) with depression.
Hey, Helen...
First of all, I really appreciate the fact that you're willing to TRY to do something that just doesn't really line up with your natural wiring. I am so encouraged by you stepping out of your comfort zone! And second, we ARE all wired differently. I am no psychologist and I really do wish I knew more about depression, but I do know that God has given all of us different gifts and different personalities.
"For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same functions, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, in proportion to our faith; if service, in our serving; the one who teaches, in his teaching; the one who exhorts, in his exhortation; the one who contributes, in generosity; the one who leads, with zeal; the one who does acts of mercy, with cheerfulness." Romans 12:4-8
When I think about this, I can really see how different people that I know exhibit these these different gifts. I don't know this for sure, Helen, but I definitely see you as one who serves. It is a beautiful thing to see you joyfully jump in to help with this or that :)
So we balance that, our "gifting," our natural "bent" with the other commands that God gives us:
"...always being prepared to make a defense (explain why) to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you... 1 Peter 3:15
(well, I guess this isn't a command, but it does come to mind:)
I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have a full understanding of every good thing we have in Christ. Philemon 1:6
And, one of my favorite verses that we can take comfort in, knowing that WE'RE NOT PERFECT YET but knowing that some day (in heaven) all of our annoying faults will be gone:
"...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6"
I love you, Helen!
hey, we all present different sides of ourselves to different people or groups. Impression management, I'd call it. I'd say that's just human nature, and not a diagnosable psychological disorder. Sure, some do it more than others, but yeah.
I also identified with your explaining not knowing what your true "natural state" is. From experience, I've thought of depression the same way-- inquiring with my mind as to what the real "me" could/sbould be.
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